Guilt and the working mother

As I lay here in bed, feeling like total crap there is another feeling that I can't quite shake. Ok I lie, there are about 5 other feelings I can't quite shake and they all centre around guilt. Guilt for calling in sick when its not my child who is the excuse, guilt for letting the team down knowing just how busy we are (completely stupid I know), guilt for not being stronger and more able to get on with it and guilt for being at home and not doing something like sorting out the washing or mopping the floor from the party we had on the weekend; its Thursday already. 

I guess you could say that as a working mother, I don't know how to be still and not do 'something' so here is my body telling me STOP. I don't know how to lounge in bed all day on a Sunday watching movies because the washing won't wash itself, the BF doesn't know how to organise the house like I do, the packed lunches have to be made, the toilet needs to be scrubbed, the uniforms need to be sorted and things must get done. Lets not even start on social lives and self care etc etc.

But what is it about this guilt of calling in sick when it is me? If its my child I have a lot less of a problem to say HEY! I need to leave, I can't come in, because its my child. My baby or babies are sick and that is that; and I have to be there for them. No one will tell a mother hey, tell your child to pull it together because you have work to do. I will even work at home whilst caring for said child If I can. 

I guess I feel guilty because I already feel inferior to the women who don't have children and put in extra hours every single day, the men who have children but have wives and girlfriends who are like me and take on the majority of the childcare and so never leave the office. And then there are men who don't have children at all and completely do not get it. Who can go for the roles, who can get the pay rises and the promotions because there is nothing holding them back from offering 130%. Lets not even get started on the after work activities....coming to celebrate Mon? Come on just one drink, one meal, one team bonding exercise. No I have to get into the rush hour traffic to make it to the after school club on time to not get a fine!!! Then comes dinner, homework, bath time, tidy time, and get ready for the next day time. So no, even if I wanted to I cannot come.

I already feel like a liability, I feel like the let down, I feel like I constantly have to coast in that role that I know so well because its comfortable and I can do it with my eyes closed because anything else requires so much more of me and I just don't have it in me. Can't be flexible with working hours like the rest of the team are, the childcare options and costs just don't allow it. 

Even writing this feels guilty, you're so lucky, why are you moaning so much? Guilt is a funny thing. Guilt will make you think you aren't doing enough, you aren't enough and then make you feel bad for feeling sorry for yourself for 5 minutes too.

So how do we stop this? How does one stop feeling sorry for ones self and how does one tell guilt to fuck off? Well let's start with this, how about allowing yourself to be sick, because you cannot be superwoman without rest. You cannot take care of yourself, your children, your home, and go to work without having some time to chill. Let go of the idea that you having time to recuperate is bad and will get you in trouble. We have laws and we have sick pay for this. If you drop dead and die, your job will have a replacement for you within a few weeks. So when you are sick, be sick, don't try to be superwoman and feel you need to show up, because the only person you need to show up for is YOU.